Throwback Thursday #1: Halfway Through October

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I started a private LiveJournal — yes, you read that right: a LiveJournal — last October. Then, because of ECT, which affects your memory, I completely forgot that I even had an online journal. There are about 20 posts, and I’ve decided to copy and paste the relevant ones here as part of a Throwback Thursday feature. They chronicle my time during a severe depressive episode, which led to another round of  ECT. You’ll read firsthand what that’s like. The entries are slightly edited for clarity, and with regard to anonymity.


86580412_302c6effa5_zHalfway Through October – October 14, 2016

I can’t believe we’re halfway through October. I’ve been feeling like shit for over a month: my moods alter between depressed, ok-but-not-quite baseline, with anxiety threading its way through it all. I haven’t showered in nearly a week, not because I’ve felt lethargic, but because of the structure I’ve set for myself during the day [NOTE: can’t remember what I meant], which can also be a cage, as my therapist pointed out in our phone session on Wednesday. I wasn’t supposed to have the phone session til today, but I had a fleeting thought on Tuesday that I’m so depressed I should just kill myself, which I texted her about. But I don’t want to, and no plans. Also, when I’m feeling down, showering seems like a LOT of work — the individual aspects of showering, that is.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later this morning, which I’m dreading because I don’t want to have to explain how I’m doing/feeling all over again. I already explained it to my therapist.

I’m feeling slightly rebellious: still wearing the sweats I threw on yesterday, slept in, and decided to wear today. I guess I feel this way because of the appointment and phone sessions, another of which I have early this afternoon. They’re tiring. At least my husband is working from home today and helping me get to the psychiatrist’s.

My therapist and I decided that getting one shower in before we leave would be good. I’m aiming for that tomorrow morning. And if it doesn’t happen, well, I guess it doesn’t happen. Fortunately, I don’t have body odor.


Photo credit: simonk via Visualhunt.com /  CC BY-NC-ND

2 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday #1: Halfway Through October

  1. Barb -Thank you for sharing this very personal glimpse into your world.  The strength you have shown in documenting your journey is incredible.  Know that I love you and I am grateful for our friendship.  I feel so lucky that we met each other freshman year.  I hope you’re continuing to walk Rudy and enjoying these last gorgeous days of summer.Jen

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    1. Jen — thanks so much for following my journey. It hasn’t been an easy road since freshman year, but it’s been interesting! I’ve continued walking Rudy! He was in daycare yesterday, so I made myself walk around the block alone. That was actually more challenging lol! Hugs ~Barb

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