Dependent

8178012239_caaaa84754_zI wish that I could do the things I used to, like laundry, run errands, drive, leave the house alone. The depression and anxiety are crippling. Things are either too overwhelming (anxiety), or I don’t have the energy to do them (depression). It seems like my husband does everything.

As for energy, I’m okay in the mornings. On good days, I have no trouble with my morning routine, like getting out of bed and showering; and in the afternoon, taking the dog out by myself for a walk. But when 4 or 5:00 PM comes, I feel physically drained. My body feels so heavy, I can barely sit up on the couch. After dinner (we eat in front of the TV), I sometimes fall asleep on the sofa at 8:30 and wake up at 10:00 PM, then go straight to bed.

My psychiatrist discourages taking afternoon naps. Since he increased my antidepressant dose last spring, I haven’t been tired enough to nap anyway. But like I said, as the day turns into evening, my energy wanes so much that I can barely feed the dog and cats their dinner. So my husband does it.

And that’s the problem. Sometimes I wonder if he’s being an enabler, or being supportive. He’s always encouraging, but I rely on him more than I’d like. Because I’m too anxious to drive, he takes me to my various appointments. If I’m struggling or going through a depressive episode, he picks up the slack, without complaining, and does both our chores.

I want to do more. I wish that showering isn’t so monumental. I wish I could have a job! It seems that “everyone” can do these things, why can’t I? I thought I would have a career. I’ve failed my parents, and I’ve failed myself. A part of me knows this isn’t true — except for maybe the failing my parents part — but it’s hard to swallow.

I want my independence back. I don’t want to be so dependent on my husband. This past summer, I told my therapist that by the time I’m 50, I want to be doing all of the things I used to do on my own. I have just over 1-1/2 years to accomplish this, and I’m slowly taking the steps I need to get there. Maybe I shouldn’t have such high expectations, but driving is something most people can do, so how is it a high expectation? But I’m afraid that I’m setting myself up for failure. Maybe I should see myself as a work in progress, instead.

On a positive note, I walked to my physical therapy appointments by myself this past week!


Photo credit: Mary Lock- Goldilock Photography via VisualHunt.com / CC BY-NC-ND

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