The following post discusses suicidal thoughts. If this is a trigger for you, please discontinue reading.

Photo credit: simpologist on / CC BY-NC

I don’t know how to drive a car with a manual transmission, but I do know that in order to slow down you have to downshift. That’s exactly what has happened to whatever cheer and energy I could muster throughout this current depression. It has downshifted.

Fortunately, I still have some presence of mind not to do anything stupid, but the truth is, I don’t feel safe. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I’m trying hard not to take my entire bottle of trazodone and sleep my last sleep. I’m living one moment at a time.

Once I hit the Publish button, I will probably text my therapist to tell her that I don’t feel safe. I don’t want to go to the hospital, but I’m afraid I may have to. I’m already thinking of what I can wear that doesn’t have drawstrings or shoelaces, which the psych ward staff takes away from you so you can’t hurt yourself with them. I’m drawing blanks.

My husband is lightly napping on the love seat while I type this from the sofa. I’ve told him how I feel, and he’s encouraging me to hold on until tomorrow, when I have my next appointment with my therapist, and to talk to her then. He’s told me how much he would miss me, and how much he loves our family of 5 (the 2 of us, the 2 cats, and Rudy the dog).

I keep repeating Eve’s Thursday’s Affirmation in my head: I am worthy.

14 thoughts on “Downshift

  1. Whatever it takes, put yourself first and stay safe. In the end your husband will be the happiest with you alive, so whatever you need to do for that to happen, then that’s what needs to be done. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  2. You have to affirm like you believe it. Stand, or sit and look in the mirror. Put your hand over your heart and tell yourself you are worthy. Repeat it until you start to believe it. If you are getting that close to feeling like suicide, you might need to hve those other treatments. I don’t know, I am not a professional, I am not suicidal. The only think suicide will cure is your own pain. It will leave everyone else feeling like they failed you, your husband would be devastated. I hope you get in to see someone soon.

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  3. It’s a full moon. Downshift, Yes!! Please let your husband know the severity and have him take you immediately. Throw your clothes on and go. Please. I am begging you my friend.
    YOU ARE WORTHY! Just know that you know what’s best. Trust yourself. You’ll be glad you did!

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  4. We don’t know each other but I feel your pain… If you feel this close to losing control, please wake your husband and let him know how bad things are! These, although very disturbing and painful thoughts shouldn’t blind you into doing something tragic! You are worthy! Sending you my warmest thoughts!! xx

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  5. Barb, you are worthy! You’re just going through a rough patch, but you are worthy of good things, and good mental health. Just keep looking up positive affirmations and repeat them in your head. Listen to meditation music… Just the music if need be, and relax. Know in your heart that you have one hell of a support system here, and we are always thinking of you. Just breathe honey, this too shall pass.
    Luv ya!!! 🙂 (((Hugs)))

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  6. A little bird perched on my window sill. And then I knew that words of encouragement are sometimes needed during tough times. I am sorry that you are going through a tough time. Everyone is worthy. Everyone has a place. This disorder can beat us down and get the best of us at times…it sneaks up out of no where. It demands of us to be strong when we feel we absolutely just can’t. This fight is what makes us the warriors that we are and the people that others sometimes do not understand. Reach out to anyone and everyone. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you feel better soon…TC


  7. you are one of the nicest sweetest person here. always standing by me during my dark phases. this is how important you are to me. remember what I said about you in a post about your mom…a beautiful mistake..
    you are a beautiful soul and I really really need you around. ❤️


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